Rachel, aka Albannach, is my bestest friend and after MUCH persuasion by Moi, she has started a diary here. Now. In my last entry she brought up a character named Ray.
Ray is an idiot that both of us managed to date. What�s hilarious is that we both have no idea WHY we dated him nor do we understand how he lasted as long as he did. I dated him for almost two years and Rachel did as well. (She has a better excuse, because she was only 18. I was fricken 21 when I dated him. I should have known better.)
But Ray is beside the point.
The point I�m barely making is that Rachel and I have been through MUCH.
We met in 8th grade, 1990, and it has been nothing but comedic genius since. I KEEP telling her, during our conversations chocked full of humor and wit, that we need to have a talk show. We just have great chemistry; she�s very articulate and I�m VERY boorish.
I give to you a list of 20 things Rachel and I think are funny numbers 1 through 10. You get the rest when you can learn to behave:
1) The name Wes. Just saying it! Wes. It�s the least romantic name I know and I apologize if your name is Wes, because that means you suck.
Rachel Note: You need to draw it out. �wessss.� Also; variety is the spice of life. �Hi, I�m Wesss.� �Who is that? Oh, it�s Wessss.� �My friend�s boyfriend�s name is Wesss.�
2) Anything involving the movie Wayne�s World. We still joke about falling on our keys and gun racks. �Hi Wayne� Hiii.� SMACK!
3)Any word repeated over and over. Recently it has been the word, many. Many many many many many many many many etc. We like repeating words until they don�t sound like a word anymore. It�s fun. You should try it. Use the most nasal voice possible too. It makes it like 2 times more funny that way.
Rachel Note: I do disagree with Jenna here, I think it makes it at least 3 times more funny; especially if the word you are repeating over is �wes.� Wes wes wes wes wes wes wes wes wes wes wes.
4) We like to behave like children. I mean really. �I don�t wanna do it! It�s stoopidt!!! Who invented that?? They�re dumb.� Followed by much stomping and frowning. Oh and we like forming 2nd grade sentences. �And then it was good because Sally gave a cookie for me to have and I liked it for when it was snack time later.� Or just �And it will be good. For me. To have. For that. With it. Today.�
Rachel Note: �Who INVENTED these high-interest rates on my home equity loan??? The structure allows The Borrower to have a set mortgage rate for 5 years and at the end of year 5 the rate adjusts on a yearly basis, which is DUMB!!! I don�t even WANT it!�
5) The FACT that pints of tequila and cucumbers do NOT mix. Ever. For a year, Rachel and I were roommates. One night her friend Andy stopped in for chatting and tequila. We got wasted. I mean wasted. Rachel has many pictures of the night courtesy of her mini Polaroid camera with sticker film. Woo hoo. Anyway. We all got plastered and I got hungry. I decided I wanted to eat the huge cucumber that was in the fridge. HA. Where the fuck do I get these ideas? Needless to say, I yacked my brains out.
6) Girls who are more drunk than me. The other night Rachel and I were stuck behind a cab that let out three hazed youths. One of them, a gal, bounced out of the cab and off the car next to her like a pinball, toddled to the other side of the street and met with an SUV face first. I�m laughing right NOW, it was so funny. Rachel and I hurt ourselves from laughing so hard. Good times.
Rachel Note: No, seriously; we cannot speak of it yet without screaming with laughter. We were laughing so hard in the car we had to turn up the radio and duck down underneath the dashboard. The BEST part was that it was very foggy so she left bodyprints on the cars she bounced off of. Good times good times.
7) ANYTHING having to do with Mystery Science Theater 3000. When we were roommates, we both refused to pay for cable and since there was ZERO reception for local channels, we were stuck with VHS. Rachel had hours of MST3k on VHS. This made for many nights of entertainment and the majority of out inside jokes. �I KNOW.� (I love Joel)
Rachel Note: What I was going to do here was make a few more mst3k references having to do with Mr. B Natural, pygmies, or cocoa puffs: however most likely no one has survived this far into the entry�.
8) Mr. Dr. Smith lunging himself and his balls into the corner of the microscope cabinet during biology. This STILL makes me laugh uncontrollably. Okay. So. Our High School was on the cutting edge when it opened in 1969 and with it came the ever trendy and quite smart inner working of the science department. I�m not talking politics, I�m talking floor plan. Behind our science classrooms were back halls and corridors only used and understood by faculty. Some passages were accessed through doors, some were just openings in the wall at the end of a classroom. Rachel witnessed this ball crushing right in front of her desk in one of these openings. Gosh that�s hard to describe and I have no idea if that made sense� Anyway. This was sweet justice for Rachel. Ever since Mr. Dr. Smith called her a beautiful swimmer, she hadn�t heard the end of it from the rest of us. Mr. Dr. Smith caused her so much grief, but she got her revenge� Mr. Dr. Smith was doing his gay shuffle-walk down one of the faculty halls behind her class and was heading out the door next to her desk. Yes � right in the middle of another teacher�s class. I have NO clue why nobody thought there was something wrong with that. Mr. Dr. Smith lost his footing and fell balls first into the microscope cabinet whose corner was just tall enough to really get him between the legs, in the junk. He let out a grunt and did an ouchy-dance back into the hidden hall where no one would be able to see him cry and hold himself. Gosh. That�s STILL funny. Ha ha haaaaaa.
Rachel Note: It might help if you knew that Mr. Dr. Smith was scrawny, gross, a close-talker, and had an (unfounded? No one knows for sure) reputation for being, ahem, inappropriate with the kids. We all know every scrawny gross close-talking alleged pedophile deserves a good occasional structure crunching.
9) Rachel�s Stepmother. She�s not funny-cool or funny-dumb or even funny-funny. She is funny-what-the-fuck-crazy. We laugh out of sheer frustration towards her. We laugh harder when she does something �nice� and seemingly selfless. I�m not sure which story is my favorite. I think I�ll have Rachel over as a guest writer to tell a REALLY good story�
Rachel Note: ummmmm: see this is a really tricky thing because there is SO MUCH I wouldn�t even know what�s the best story to use: So I�ll pick one randomly out of the hat-of-stepmother-stories:
so, my mother (real) and I would go on some 10 day vacation every summer and one year (I suppose I was around 15/16 years old) we decided to go to Arizona and see the grand canyon. Cool, yes? Well, it almost didn�t happen. You see, my stepmother is WHAT-THE-FUCK-CRAZY. My mother has to have all of her accounts, numbers, private stuff, etc., with all of these extra fancypants security measures on them, because for as long as I can remember my stepmother would call these companies (banks, credit cards, etc.,) and pretend to be my mother to either a. steal, b. close/cancel things, or c. just generally screw things up. I AM NOT JOKING. It�s hard to believe because my father is relatively normal, and no one REALLY understands why he�s with her. She would do this. Constantly. Okay back to summer vacation. Long story even longer: approx. two days before we were scheduled to fly out, my mother received a call from the airline AND the hotel to confirm cancellation of our reservations.
Yes Kids: For reasons that the rest of the world may never know, my stepmother CALLED AROUND to every airline, and then EVERY HOTEL IN FLAGSTAFF, AZ, until she found the ones we were using and then CANCELED OUR RESERVATIONS. Let that rattle around in your brains for a while, and then do everything you can not to eat your own young. No, we don�t know why. No, I have no theories, other than sheer madness.
10) The time I dared Rachel to rub her bare ass on my hot neighbor�s car. No one can turn their back on a triple dog dare. No ONE. Notafinga! But yeah, she dropped her drawers and rubbed her tush on his car out of pure lust. Lust will make you do crazy things. What�s really funny is how after getting to know my neighbor, we find him less and less attractive. Stoopid boys. They should be seen and not heard, I tell ya.
Rachel Note: Isn�t it sad when one goes from rubbing one�s arse on a car out of lust to rubbing one�s arse on a car out of derision? So poignant. So bittersweet.
Jenna Note: Well put my friend. HEY you. Stop in and say hello. We'll get naked. (psst... I'm baaaaaaack.)
2:32 PM - Friday, Jan. 14, 2005
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