Okay. This is going to sound really strange and I wonder if I am playing go fish with a full deck.
The other day, someone here on Diaryland told me that when she read my silly entries about me and my bestest friend goofing off, she began to miss some of her more closer friends she had grown apart from. She missed them so much that she got in touch with one and reconciled.
Deep breath.
Wow� just wow.
Friends are precious to us all and for me to be someone that sparked the rekindling of a friendship, makes me feel more meaningful. I say it that way because for a while I�ve been wondering why the hell I�m taking up this space.
No, I�m being serious. I am in no way more special or more smart or more sensational than most. This world is SO amazing. HOW can I just be here to sleep, work and masturbate? How is it that I even HAVE these questions and there not BE a bigger answer?
It just doesn�t make sense to my mind. Maybe I�m wishful and dreamy and maybe I still believe in destiny, but what would I be if I didn�t?
My point. I�m slowly losing my trust in there being something wonderful waiting for me at the end of my life. I mean, family and love and warmth. I can�t even begin to tell you how long I�ve been wondering if I should have died years and years ago.
When I was 14 I was honestly close to drowning. I mean I had a conversation with God, asking him to please not let me die in front of my little brother. Me, my friend Gina and our brothers were on summer vacation from school and decided we were going to the creek to play on the rope swing. We were fine. The problem came when we were going to take our little brothers across the creek on our backs while her other two brothers walked around the long way to meet up with us. Long story, short. The creek got really deep and I couldn�t keep Justin and me above the water. Justin never learned how to swim and he was holding on to me around my neck and it was just sinking me. I struggled for a while to get back up to the surface, but eventually stopped so I could sink to the bottom and push with my legs, back up to the top. My Lord did I scream. I gasped and screamed and flung my arms. Then sank back in, pushed up and screamed some more. Nobody even heard me yet. It took so long, and Justin was just frantic. I remember being at the bottom, about to push off, and holding him up as high as I could, hoping he was able to breathe. As I came up again I remember him just saying my name over and over. He was so scared I was going to die. I was scared he was going to see me die. I was scared he was going to see me die.
It didn�t bother me that I was dying.
I remember begging, �please don�t let my brother see me die. He�ll never get over it.� That kid and I have been ridiculously close from day one. He�s my favorite Dude.
Eventually Gina�s brothers had come around and saw me and dove into the creek. As I bobbed up and down I could see them getting closer and closer. I�ll tell you what, having a goal that is only three minutes in the future does not necessarily constitute an easy goal. It felt like forever, but at least I knew I was going to be okay.
Gina�s brother Zach reached us first and took Justin from me. I swam back to the shore and fell to my knees, crying and coughing and gasping and vomiting. I though that because I lived, it meant I had something to do. I really did.
Now I�ve been wondering if I threw off some mojo somewhere.
Maybe I should have died. This notion was too strong the moment I found out that JD, my High School crush, was dead. I thought for a split second, �Oh my Lord, the love of my life is dead. Our paths barely crossed and now I�m stuck here without him. I could be waiting for him right now, if I died years ago.�
That sounds crazy. I have NEVER told anyone that, but it�s the truth and for crying out loud, I felt it even more when my Father died. I really felt like I was missing out. I could have been waiting for him. I could be guiding him and I�d get to be with him forever. I would never have to wait for him again � my wait would have been over. Now I�m stuck here. I was young and I was still a virgin and untouched by anger or doubt. It was like I gave up a �get into heaven free� card.
But.
When something like me having a positive effect on someone else�s life happens, I begin to raise my chin again.
I have to remember the time I introduced my friends Don and Marcella. They were married ten months later. I gave them that. Don was approaching 40 and thought he�d never have a family. Woman after woman milked him dry and left him empty. Marcella had been divorced for years with three kids and never even thought a chance at love was possible. My God if you could have seen those two on their wedding day� it still makes me cry.
I have to remember the time I introduced myself to two guys at the bar, asked them if they wanted company, and invited the rest of my girlfriends over to the table. That night, at that table, my friend from High School met a fellah named Ben. She says she�s gonna marry that boy.
I have to remember the time I talked about my bestest friend with such gusto, I inspired a complete stranger to reopen the lines of communication to friendship lost.
I have to remember, one of these days, it will be me who will benefit from knowing me.
6:27 PM - Monday, Jan. 31, 2005
Recent entries:
wertw ertwert - Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008
some ditty - Thursday, Mar. 08, 2007
sippy sippy - Thursday, Feb. 22, 2007
yah yah - Saturday, Feb. 17, 2007
woo woowww - Monday, Feb. 12, 2007
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