So. In my previous entry I decided to indulge my own craving for nostalgia and bring up some of the many funny things that happened and/or started by Rachel (albannach) and I.
Here's the rest. Eleven - Twenty
11) The Twin Peaks song. Remember that show? I adore it. I have it on VHS and the first season on DVD. We used to watch the VHS all the time and gawk at Agent Cooper. The song doesn�t have lyrics but we liked to sing along by repeating the words �Twin Peaks� with the melody over and over and over again. Again the funny in repetition prevails.
12) Anything having to do with how much we dislike Creed and how much they suck soap scum. The day they broke up� it was like the heavens opened up, tapped us on the shoulder and said, �Girls, you�re welcome.� That lead singer dude is a jackass.
Rachel Note: Extra points if anyone out there can find ONE (1) individual who actually admits to LIKING creed.
13) Things that will surely get us sent straight to hell. Just today Rachel and I were emailing each other�
Rachel:
Subject: I am currently:
Downloading the Keane album.
You're welcome. ;)
Heheheeheheheee
Oh and hey:
Do you like ethiopian food?
My reply:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*gasp*
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea if I like ethiopian food.
Do they even have food in ethiopia??
See what I mean??
Rachel Note: Listening to Keane will not put you in hell, unless you�re torturing small animals while listening to Keane, or Keane contains as members any former members of Creed. Oh, dear I think I�ve just made myself paranoid.
14) Rich Girls. If you have not seen this show, do yourself a favor and keep it that way. It basically followed Tommy Hilfiger�s daughter and her over privileged friend around while they shop and say ignorant things. Want to see an example? Sure you do. Let�s take a peek and see what Jaime thinks of cargo pants�
�You know what, I mean, I feel like bad for other people who don�t appreciate clothes like we do. It�s like they are just using clothes to like cover themselves instead of for fashion. Like when I see cargo pants I think they would look great with a sexy top and some stiletto heels. But for people in the mid-west, you know, they need those pockets for when they�re working in the fields.�
WHAT THE FUCK. �The fields�??? What a fat-head-jerk. I live in the city and I�M offended. I laugh at her, like so much.
Rachel Note: Unfortunately I must note here that if we see ANYONE dressed like this (cargo pants and stilettos), we will automatically assume bad things about you. We WILL give you a chance, but the show has prejudiced us forever. Does that make us bad people? No. Yes. No. Yes, it does. No, it doesn�t. Yes. No. Pass.
15) And now let�s mention Bob Moore. Bob Moore went to high school with us and was THE funniest man I have ever met. I mean this guy had it. One afternoon in social studies class he brought with him a blood capsule. You know, like the kind they sell around Halloween? His was a powder capsule that mixed with your saliva and therefore multiplied like 50 times the size of the capsule in his mouth. Rachel and I sat in the area around him and totally knew when he ate it. It was TORTURE watching him dab the corners of his mouth with a tissue because the blood was coming out. Soon there was so much blood, he discreetly let some out on the floor and covered it up with is book. OKAY. This just about killed me. I mean, we were trying to take notes in class and not disrupt the teacher by laughing like a bunch of idiots. Soon the teacher looked up at Bob and asked if he was okay. Bob opened his moth and tried to say yes but all we could make out was �arglsesssss.� And this fake blood just poured out of his mouth. Dude, it was so funny, the teacher was laughing and crying. Where did that Bob Moore get to anyway�.
Rachel Note and Continuation of the LIST: Okay I�ll add some things I think need to be mentioned for everyone�s mental health (attribute or detriment?)
16.Car dancing. Specifically, to Duran Duran, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Muse, Bloodhound Gang and a few assorted others. Right now it�s Franz. We love them. We want to do all of them at once and they are the skinniest white boys on EARTH- it matters not. They have mojo oozing out of, well, everywhere.
ALL of them. At ONCE.
-collecting myself-
So anyway whenever we need to put ourselves in a good mood or just generally get ready to cause trouble Franz goes into the Jeep stereo. And we sing. And gesticulate. And chair-dance. You don�t know the PLEASURE of singing along with Franz Ferdinand in your car unless you can also sing along with the instrumental parts- creating your own beautiful music like �ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-dingggg-ah!� to the guitar.
*important:
Gesticulating is never, ever sequestered specifically to the Jeep. It must be done whenever you heed the call of the Good Bands. The last time we went to see Franz was at a music festival; they played good stuff in between sets.
My friends, there is no pleasure on earth (well, maybe there is but I�m being hyperbolic so kiss it) greater than shaking your tush wildly to Muse, in the middle of a large (seated) auditorium full of teenagers in their best �original� punky outfits. The need to dance knows no modesty.
Jenna Note: My twist on the car dancing is I like to sing and point to lucky motorists who are passing by. My favorite targets are stuffy office type men. I also try to lick my lips as much as possible, to the point of it being obscene, and make many blow-job gestures.
17.So Jenna and I are either cheap or poor or a combination of both so we therefore find ourselves at Wal-Mart more than we care to admit. Wal-Mart, my children, is nothing but a huge warehouse-sized freak show. I could probably dedicate an entire entry just to IT but because we must all be home in time for supper I�ll tell you what, without fail, we ALWAYS laugh at:
�EYYYYEEEEEE wannaaa TAAAAUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!�
Otherwise known as:
The Kid Having A Temper Tantrum Because His Mother Would Not Buy Him Something And Was Raised To Such A Pitch Of Hysteria That It Took A Few Moments Before We Could Understand The Fact That He Was Screaming �I Want A Toy!!�
His cries were echoing throughout the entire building. It took mere seconds for it to become what we say when we want something-do it next time. Drawl out the �toyyyyyyyyyyy� part for as long as you like. It�s cathartic.
Jenna Note: I disagree with Rachel. Wal Mart is more than a freak show. It is, to me, satan�s asshole and the armpit of America. The lines are as long as the fricken Alaskan night is long. The people who work there should not have jobs and, I�m willing to bet, cannot read. I�m surprised they are gifted enough to breathe without the aid of technology. Oh and I wanted to take that kid and whoop him like his momma should have. In fact, I want to whip most people like their momma should have� who wants to volunteer? Not you, Joseph. Now sit down and write for me 100 times: �I will no longer think Jenna is talking about me.�
18. The Genius Brothers. Alright I know kids are cute and precious and innocent and all that crap but we still get to make fun of them. The two young men live in Jenna�s complex and are named as such because they go around doing IDIOT THINGS. Throwing balls like girls. Playing basketball wearing rollerskates and running into cars because they lack common motor skills. Our personal favorite was Hold The Wiffle-Ball Bat Like It Is A Giant Penis And Shake It A Lot Day. Ah, the memories.
Jenna�s Note: The only thing missing from them are mullets. I mean even their Dad! He�s �that guy� in the neighborhood who wears sweat pants everyday and fails to replace his missing exhaust pipe.
19. Goggles. Not the things you put on your eyes, although I suppose they have their own inherent funniness- No; I mean the weird, weird character from one of the best films ever made: A Christmas Story.
Goggles was the weird kid in front of Ralphie in line to see Santa. If you do not know what kid I am talking about you are a communist. I won�t explain it any more: you have to watch the movie. All I can say is that whenever we see, hear, meet anyone who is BIZARRE we smile weirdly and say �I like Santa. I like the wizard of Oz. I like the tin man� In a nasally childish voice. EVERYTHING is funnier in a nasally, childish voice.
Jenna Note: And the goggle voice has evolved to any phrase but with the same tone and nose placement. We just recently drove up to Penn State to visit an old High School friend, and on the way stopped into a mini mart for ciggies and food and coffee. By the door was a picture of the general manager, which by the way had to be the dorkiest picture I�ve ever seen, and below this picture was a phrase that said, �Hi, I�m Matt and I�m the Manager of this store.� I pulled Rachel over to where I was, and under this magical picture we stood, eyes wide open. Nasal voice possibilities� endless� can�t reach� Bat belt� must� break free�
20. Rednecks and/or Forrest Gump Faces. Okay this one may take a minute, so bear with me. Jenna and I have always thought the best part of the film Forrest Gump was the faces he made in all of those doctored black and white photos you saw him with, like, JFK, Liberace, and The Wolfman or whomever the hell he was meeting all during the movie. You know? The squinty I�m Aware That My Picture Is Being Taken face. It�s hysterical. So, we like making that face when we get our pictures taken.
Now, combine that with our drive back from Florida.
Nutshell story:
The drive up I-95 from Miami to Philadelphia takes approximately 19 hours. Almost halfway there, somewhere around Georgia or S. Carolina, we needed snacks and caffeine and nicotine and stopped at a service center.
Did I mention that center was on the way to a football stadium and it was game day? It was pandemonium. Braying hillbillies everywhere. Painted faces. Jacked-up pickups. It was fabulous. We�re in line to pay for our pretzels. Jenna starts snorting. Jenna Note: FOR THE RECORD, I did not snort� right away. My initial reaction was to give Rachel the holy-crap-ah-mah-gawd-eyes. It�s the kind of wide eyed look that says, �I just got goosed and, for once, did not like it.� Rachel Continues: One thing you have to understand is that if one of us starts snorting and wincing with that �I want to laugh but it�s socially inappropriate to laugh at this moment� face, what is funny no longer makes any difference. We both are overcome with the giggles, and I haven�t even seen what she�s laughing at yet. She nods downward and ahead through her tears.
The gentleman in front of us has an open bottle of Budweiser stuffed in his back jeans pocket.
Jenna Note: Now, normally that would be hot, but only if he were accompanied by a gee-tarr, a mutt and a bitch to slap.
Rachel continues: Alright, to those of you in the south it may not be amused at all but to all us here Pennsylvanians, it was a hoot. So we stagger outside screaming with laughter. Jenna has spent this whole initial leg of the journey scrawling a fake vodka label on her jug of drinking water- we proceed to play �Rednecks Drinking Vodka Out Of A Jug And Making The Forrest Gump Face� happy fun game. The pictures exist somewhere. But you will never see them - one of us is going to be president someday.
Jenna Note: What�s funny is how great that jug looked. Instead of writing Stolichnaya (or however you spell it�) I wrote: Zolickmaya. Uh huh� get it? Get it?
So that�s the end of the list� one thru twenty. This damn entry sparked at least 50 more things we like laughing about. Here�s to wishing there will be many more to come� Plant a wet one on my cheek baby� we�ll get naked.
12:21 PM - Monday, Jan. 17, 2005
Recent entries:
wertw ertwert - Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008
some ditty - Thursday, Mar. 08, 2007
sippy sippy - Thursday, Feb. 22, 2007
yah yah - Saturday, Feb. 17, 2007
woo woowww - Monday, Feb. 12, 2007
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